Since August 24, 2005

    Can you ever just not feel anything and still exist? Here you don’t know if your happy or if you sad or confused or bored? Like you just exist in life, you don’t live it? you’re just there. Then someone asks you how you are feeling and you don’t know what to say. You have no clue none the less on what to say. What can you say? You can’t tell them the truth. They’ll ask to many questions and wont let the subject go. You know this, so you don’t even try. Then when you say nothing, they don’t believe you are alright. They look at your face, your eyes, your expression, and you’re lost for words. The tone of your words let it go to. You don’t want to tell them what is wrong with you, they won’t listen. Your own words frighten you, you don’t want to believe it. what’s wrong with you? You keep asking yourself over and over again, and yet there’s still no answer. No one can tell you what’s wrong with you, no one can tell you where you feel the way you do, and it frustrates you so often you wish to just end it all.

Over twelve million people suffer the same thing and it’s intensifying. It seems more teenagers and more are getting depressed just like you, and you might be one of them.

Everything around you no longer perks you. Everything you used to love is boring as if you’ve just done it forever and its stupid. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it confuses you, and other times it makes you mad or makes you just want to cry. You either cry, or feel that you can’t. it stupefies you when you get angry at the smallest things. You don’t understand why. Why are you yelling? Calm down. There’s no need to yell. I know what you’re going through ,I know the familiar intensifying pain of suffering each intake of breath you take during the dream world. It’s a feeling of just wanting to die, to end this pain, to stop it, but you don’t know whether you should, or whether you should not, and it angers you. You don’t know what to think, and it consumes you. All the time you’re suffering for no reason, you just want to die each minute and you think no one cares. Why would they care? They’ll get over missing you. Everyone will. They don’t truly see you.

But they wont stop missing you.

They say things heal in time… it just gets worst.

You don’t want to believe that no one cares to make it easier on yourself to die. No matter what, someone will care if not a lot. But why would you care? You’d be dead, but you do care, because you’ll remember that you were the reason. You don’t want someone to miss you for that exact reason.

Guilt.

Drive away all the pain,

Your heard does scream.

And there’s nothing you can do.

Don’t you just hate that utter feeling?

As if you skin is just peeling?

It hurts.

They drag you down the hole,

Interrogate your soul.

You just want to fly.

Shut down. Panic. Paranoia. Fear. Things are done to your body, things you can’t easily hide until you try. Afraid the world will find out. afraid you’ll be truly alone. Afraid no one will understand. Afraid of being found out. by certain friends, teachers… family and your parents. Will they understand? Will they take it seriously? Will they still love you

What are you going to do? What will you do? You don’t wanna turn away. But you don’t want to go forward. So you wait, and hope no one that you don’t want to will not find out.

You feel so EMPTY, so ALONE, even when you’re surrounded by over 1,000 people. - Why do I feel like this? – Try and forget about it. just move on with life, it’ll go away. Have to, nothing lasts forever. Nothing does, but for the time being, you think anything can, and the thought consumes you, alters your thinking, fogs your clear path, and scares you. You FALL down the rabbit hole and your so down deep that you can’t get up. Screaming won’t help, they can’t hear you. It’s all murky, damp, cold. just like your pain. Will you ever find away to get out of the rabbit hold? Or are you so down that you can’t? it scares and frightens you. Your chest closes, it hurts to breath. The thought. What if you never do get out…?

SLEEP. All the time. Doesn’t matter what the time is, or if its daylight or night time, who cares? Sleep feels so good. You don’t have to worry about anything. don’t have to worry about your own life.

What if you can’t sleep thought? No matter how hard you try at night, at give in the morning, you’re still up, unable to sleep, unable to dream. Clear your mind. It frustrates you, doesn’t it? so much that you just want to scream. But CAN you scream?

Do you ever just question your own existence? Nothing you can do. Yo juts don’t want to wake up in the morning. Don’t want to get out of bed, you don’t want to do anything. every single word you speak hurts like invisible broken bones that you can’t find to mend, no one can see your pain, your emptiness. Sighing for no reason, furred eyebrows, frown on your lips; plastered, as if you can’t grin by yourself.

It all suffocating. You’re just stuck in a rush of stale air, as if your running in circles, endless rings without an end, a corner, stoppings place to rest. Why does this happen to you? What did you ever do to deserve this?

You don’t feel anything. it bothers you, sickens you. You can’t figure out why you feel so empty. Like you haven’t eaten forever. Does it worry you? Scares you? Troubles you? Your head starts to pound once more. Everywhere. It hurts to move your head, your eyes. To blink, to think. Everything hurts so much that your stuck in a battle and you cant get out of it. so many emotions, so many thoughts. You want the suffering to end! You don’t want to suffer forever! You’re parents wont believe you, they see you as a happy person! Nothing is wrong! Its just hormones!

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!

Why can’t they just listen to you? Why can’t they just hear your words and help you? It isn’t fair. Why can’t it just go away…? Why can’t you just end it like everyone else?

You can look at suicide two ways.

1. you’re only thinking of yourself. You’re too selfish to even care about leaving everyone behind.
2. they’re too selfish because they wont let you end your suffering.

1. you’re too afraid to kill yourself.
2. you’re too strong to give in to killing yourself.

1. you don’t want people to miss you so it would be easier
2. you want people to miss you so you have a reason to not kill yourself.

Just stop and think for a moment. Don’t believe that you’re parents wont help you… MAKE them listen… talk to your doctor…